Bree L

Kittredge, CO

I honestly just spent ABOUT FIFTEEN MINUTES ON MY fACEBOOK TIMELINE
        TRYING TO PINPOINT WHEN i ACTUALLY HAD MY ABORTION.  i CAN'T.  nOT BY
        SPECIFIC COMMENTS, AND NOT BY CONTEXT.  aND i TRULY DON'T REMEMBER OFF
        THE TOP OF MY HEAD.  i'M NOT REALLY SURPRISED; WHILE THE EVENTS--HELL,
        MY WHOLE LIFE--SURROUNDING MY ABORTION WERE TRAUMATIC, IT WAS THE
        EASIEST DECISION i'VE EVER MADE.  i NEVER REALLY FIGURED OUT WHEN MY
        CHILD WOULD HAVE BEEN BORN, NEVER THINK OF HOW OLD HE OR SHE WOULD BE
        NOW.  aND i HAVE NEVER FELT GUILTY.  i GUESS i'M PRETTY LUCKY.

        i'M PRETTY SURE i HAD MY ABORTION IN 2007.  mAYBE 2008.  i DO KNOW IT
        WAS WINTER.  i WAS EXISTING WITHIN THE DEATH THROES OF A LONG TERM
        RELATIONSHIP THAT HAD BECOME EXTREMELY TOXIC.  i WAS DEPRESSED.  i WAS
        LONELY.  i COULDN'T LET GO.  hE STARTED CHEATING ON ME WITH HIS EX,
        AND i FOUND OUT.  wHEN i CONFRONTED HIM, HE BEGGED ME NOT TO LEAVE.  i
         WANTED TO WALK AWAY, BUT i JUST COULDN'T DO IT.  sEX WITH HIM HAD
        BECOME REPULSIVE, BUT i KEPT DOING IT BECAUSE i CRAVED THE LOVE THAT i
        NEVER FELT AT ANY OTHER TIME.  aND THEN i GOT PREGNANT.

        i KNEW RIGHT AWAY.  tHERE WAS NO HESITATION, NO DISCUSSION.  i WENT TO
        THE CLINIC--a GODSEND OF A PLACE CALLED THE eMMA gOLDMAN cLINIC IN
        iOWA cITY, iOWA-- AND TOOK THE PILL WHEN i WAS 6 WEEKS PREGNANT.  tHE
        STAFF WAS KIND, AND MATTER OF FACT, WHICH i APPRECIATED MORE THAN
        ANYTHING.  i HAD SO LITTLE CONFLICT ABOUT MY DECISION I WAS FEELING
        CONSTANTLY MISFOOTED BY EVERYONE'S ASSUMPTION THAT IT WAS A DIFFICULT
        ONE.

        i ASKED MY "BOYFRIEND" TO GET HIS SHIFT COVERED FOR THAT DAY, BUT
        INSTEAD HE PICKED UP ANOTHER SO HE WOULD BE WORKING A DOUBLE.  mY BEST
        FRIEND FROM HIGH SCHOOL OFFERED TO STAY WITH ME, BUT SHE WAS ALMOST 2
        HOURS AWAY AND HER SON WAS YOUNG, SO i DECLINED.  i LAY ON A FUTON BY
        MYSELF, HAD A FRIEND GRAB ME wENDY'S.  tHE CRAMPS WERE STRONG, BUT
        NOTHING TERRIBLE.  i USED A HOT WATER BOTTLE, TOOK IBUPROFEN.  i
        DIDN'T FEEL PARTICULARLY SAD TO BE BY MYSELF, EITHER.  sOMEHOW IT FELT
        RIGHT.

        i HAVE NEVER QUESTIONED MY DECISION IN THE SLIGHTEST.  i FEEL LUCKY
        THAT AS AN ATHEIST WITH A BACKGROUND IN WOMAN'S STUDIES i WAS NOT MUCH
        OF A CANDIDATE TO INTERNALIZE HOW OTHERS SAW MY ABORTION OR TO FEEL
        UNWARRANTED GUILT.  bUT I STILL FIND i DON'T TALK ABOUT IT, BECAUSE IT
        MAKES OTHERS UNCOMFORTABLE.  tHEY DON'T WANT TO HEAR IT.  i ALWAYS
        FELT LIKE THE ONLY WAY PEOPLE WERE OKAY WITH THE MENTION OF AN
        ABORTION WAS WITH GUILT, AND i STARTED TO FEEL A LITTLE GUILTY AND
        UNNATURAL THAT i'D NEVER HAD ANY.  I AM FORTUNATE ENOUGH AS i GET
        OLDER TO HAVE A FEW WOMEN FRIENDS WITH WHOM i HAVE FELT COMFORTABLE
        ENOUGH TO MENTION MY ABORTION IN NORMAL CONVERSATION, AND tHEY HAVE
        MOSTLY RESPONDED IN KIND.  tHAT WAS A PRETTY LIBERATING FEELING.  iT
        HELPED ME LET GO OF THE GUILT OF HAVING NO GUILT.