I was 20 when I feel pregnant for the second time. The first was at 17. (the 4th time I had ever had sex) I was scared and although my father insisted an abortion, I had the support of my partner and decided to keep the child. I didn't think I was someone that could live with it and I felt a love for this child. 12 weeks in I had a miscarriage and it was bloody and traumatic. It affected me for a very long time.
The second time I feel pregnant was a different story, I was at a friend's party. I was talking to someone there who seemed nice and kind and we were getting along well. He asked if I wanted to go back to his place and watch movies. I knew he meant sex but it had been a while and what harm could it do? I asked if he had condoms and he said yes. When I got back to his place I realized I didn't want to be there and I had made a bad call. He was hinting at sex and trying to touch me. I eventually knew he wasn't going to give up and that I might as well get it over with (a terrible mindset to have).
He had lied about having condoms and even though I should have known better I just wanted it over and done with. Towards the end I told him to pullout and he agreed. when the time came he put his hands on my shoulders and came on me as I tried to push him off. He laughed in my face like it was some joke and dismissed my anger. it was in that moment he wasn't a nice guy I had met at the party anymore but a bad person. I spent the night crying and wasn't even able to use the toilet because he was afraid of me waking up his sister. the next day he took me home but not before commenting how fat I looked in the dress I was wearing.
I went home and made a pledge to never think about what happened. it was over now, you will never have to deal with him again. But as days went by I got sicker and sicker, something was wrong. I took a test and it was positive. I spent the next few weeks crying myself to sleep and flip flopping between keeping my child, abortion and adoption. It was crushing and made me think of the first child I wanted so much and here I was not wanting this child. Not believing I could mentally handle having this child. I didn't want to have a child that I would speak badly of the father or that might remind me of that night. I felt I couldn't give that child what they needed from a mother emotionally for financially. On my 21st birthday with my mum by my side I got an abortion. There was mixed feelings and I got a text from the father abusing me and calling me names.
I never regretted my choice only that I ever had to make a choice at all.
I pledged since that day to realize the power of the word no and to never feel obligated or like I have no choice. I am now 23 and at university and in my eyes the best thing I can do is make the most of my life and try to learn. there will always be pain but there is also valuable lessons.