Whitney G

Los Angeles, CA

ABOUT A YEAR AND A HALF AGO I FOUND OUT I WAS PREGNANT. I WAS
        SEPARATED FROM MY HUSBAND AND WAS SEEING ANOTHER MAN. ONCE I FOUND OUT
        ABOUT THE PREGNANCY I INFORMED THE MAN I WAS SEEING AND HE CAME TO SEE
        ME AT MY PLACE. WE TALKED ABOUT IT AND I WAS COMPLETELY SHOCKED AND
        SCARED AND ON THE FENCE ABOUT WHETHER OR NOT I WANTED TO KEEP THE
        BABY. I CALLED PLANNED PARENTHOOD TO BE CHECKED OUT AND TO DISCUSS MY
        OPTIONS. THE MAN I WAS SEEING HAD BEEN DODGING ME FOR ABOUT A MONTH OR
        SO PRIOR TO ME FINDING OUT AND ONCE HE FOUND OUT ABOUT THE BABY HE
        BEGAN TO BE VERY NICE TO ME AND ASKED ME TO HAVE AN ABORTION BECAUSE
        IT WAS NOT A GOOD TIME FOR HIM. I TOLD HIM I WAS CONSIDERING GIVING
        THE BABY UP FOR ADOPTION AND HE WAS UPSET BY THAT CHOICE BECAUSE HE
        DID NOT WANT ANY ONE ELSE TO TAKE CARE OF HIS CHILD BUT HE HIMSELF DID
        NOT WANT TO EITHER SO HE WAS PUTTING ME IN A TIGHT POSITION. I WAS ON
        THE FENCE AS I MENTIONED BEFORE SO I WAS RELYING ON HIM TO HELP ME
        DECIDE EVEN THOUGH IT WAS MY BODY AND ESSENTIALLY MY CHOICE. I JUST
        COULDN'T FATHOM MY CHILD GROWING UP WITH NO FATHER AS I ASSUMED HE
        WOULD ONLY BE AROUND PART TIME. THE DAY BEFORE MY APPOINTMENT WITH
        PLANNED PARENTHOOD THE GUY I WAS SEEING BEGGED ME TO HAVE AN ABORTION
        AND THAT HE WANTED TO START OVER WITH ME AND BEGIN A REAL RELATIONSHIP
        WITH ME AND REALLY WORK ON THIS WHICH I FELL FOR...I WENT THE THE
        DOCTOR'S OFFICE AND WENT THROUGH IT AL AND ONCE I HAD THE ULTRASOUND
        AND FOUND OUT HOW FAR ALONG I WAS I WAS COMPLETELY HEARTBROKEN. I WENT
        BACK OUT TO THE WAITING ROOM WHERE THE GUY I WAS SEEING WAS WAITING
        AND JUST BROKE DOWN. I COULD NOT GO THROUGH WITH THIS AND HE WAS STILL
        BEGGING ME TO PLEASE STAY STRONG AND GO THROUGH WITH IT AND HE
        PROMISED WE WOULD REALLY WORK ON BEING TOGETHER AND JUST FED ME A
        BUNCH OF LIES. RIGHT AFTER THE SURGERY HE BOUGHT ME ALL THE THINGS I
        NEEDED TO HELP ME RECOVER AND THEN DROPPED ME OFF AT MY PLACE AND LEFT
        TOWN. HE REFUSED TO SPEAK TO ME FOR DAYS AND I HAD A LOT OF CHOICE
        WORDS FOR HIM. I NEEDED HIM AND HIS LIES. I NEEDED TO KNOW I WAS NOT
        THIS TERRIBLE PERSON BUT NO ONE COULD RELATE TO ME AND NO ONE WANTED
        TO HEAR WHAT I WAS GOING THROUGH. WE MET UP A FEW TIMES AND HAD DINNER
        BUT ANY FEELINGS BETWEEN US WERE GONE AND NOW IT WAS JUST RESENTMENT
        AND TEARS WHEN WE WERE TOGETHER. I WAS LIVING WITH MY COUSINS AT THE
        TIME WHO HAVE 3 SMALL CHILDREN SO THIS WAS WHAT I WENT HOME TO AND IT
        WAS JUST UNBEARABLE. I DID NOT THINK I WOULD EVER GET OVER THIS
        FEELING OF LONELINESS AND REGRET. TO THIS DAY EVEN THOUGH IT HAS BEEN
        ABOUT A YEAR AND A HALF I STILL GET SAD AND THINK "I COULD BE A MOM
        RIGHT NOW" BUT THEN I REMEMBER HOW BRINGING A CHILD INTO THIS WORLD
        WHEN I WAS NOT PREPARED MENTALLY OR FINANCIALLY WOULD BE A STRUGGLE
        FOR ME AND MY BABY AND I WAS NOT READY TO BE A SINGLE MOTHER ABOUT TO
        GO THROUGH A STRENUOUS DIVORCE WITH A DIFFERENT MAN. I THINK ABOUT MY
        DECISION EVERY SINGLE DAY AND I AM DEALING WITH IT ONE DAY AT A TIME
        AND AM HAPPY THAT I AM WAITING TILL I AM MORE SETTLED IN ALL ASPECTS
        OF MY LIFE TO BRING THAT SPECIAL BABY INTO THIS WORLD. I HAVE FELT A
        ROLLER COASTER OF EMOTIONS AND HAVE MADE IT THROUGH WHAT I CONSIDER TO
        BE THE HARDEST POINTS OF IT ALL. I HAVE NOT SPOKEN TO THE GUY I WAS
        SEEING WHO GOT ME PREGNANT IN A YEAR AND REMEMBER THE LAST WORDS HE
        SPOKE TO ME AS IF THEY WERE WRITTEN ON MY FOREHEAD. "YOU ARE SELFISH"
        I IN NO WAY HAVE FELT SELFISH OF MY DECISION IF ANYTHING I THOUGHT I
        WAS BEING SELFLESS BY SACRIFICING THIS BIG THING FOR FALSE PROMISES
        FROM HIM. I DIGRESS, I HAVE MOVED ON FROM HIM AND MY TOUGH DECISION
        AND WORK ON LOVING MYSELF EVERY DAY. I HOPE THIS STORY HAS HELPED IN
        SOME WAY AS IT HAS SIMPLY HELPED ME BY ALLOWING ME TO SHARE WITH
        OTHERS. I DID NOT SEEK TREATMENT AFTERWARDS AND WAS SCRUTINIZED BY MY
        FAMILY FOR A LONG TIME. SO THIS MEANS THE WORLD TO ME AND I HOPE IT
        DOES FOR YOU.